Consent is Not Optional, It’s Essential

Teens often think they understand consent—but many don’t know the law or the boundaries. Our latest blog post explains why consent must be clear, verbal, and enthusiastic—and how we can teach our kids to recognize that.

Consent Is Not Optional—It’s Essential

Two high school students have dated for six months. They attend a party one weekend and both consume alcohol. They find an empty bedroom. Without discussion, their sexual activity escalates past their previously discussed boundaries.

Whether or not either of them regrets their decision later, consent was never established. Furthermore, if one teen is over the legal age of consent and one is under, the older can be accused of sexual battery.

As Sexual Risk Avoidance Educators, consent is one of the topics we discuss in the classroom. We’ve learned that most students believe they know what consensual sex looks like, but often they don’t fully grasp the concept, much less the law.

What is Consent?

Consent, in general, means to give permission. In the context of sexual activity, “consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. A verbal and affirmative expression of consent can help both . . . understand and respect each other’s boundaries.

Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given.”i

Note that an underage person cannot agree to sexual activity. In the United States, the age of consent is 16-18 years old, depending on the state. There can be exceptions, but if an 18-year-old engages in sexual activity with someone younger (i.e. 15 or 16), the parents of the younger teen can accuse the 18-year-old of sexual battery.

Also, notice that consent cannot be freely given when an unequal power dynamic exists. Whether or not someone commits sexual battery can depend on their position of authority or their age relative to the victim’s age. A student could feel obligated to a teacher. An employee may believe they will lose their job if they don’t comply. A teen could be afraid to reject a bully’s advances.

We tell students, “No means no. That’s a given. However, a lack of response may also mean no.” Some people freeze when they’re in an uncomfortable position, especially when one person has power over the other (i.e. older, stronger, an employer, etc.).

A person should request and give consent at each step of intimacy—all steps and sexual activity leading up to and including intercourse. “May I hold your hand?” “Is it okay if I kiss you?” “May I touch here?”

Consent is not ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time.

An Enthusiastic Yes

In other words, consent requires an enthusiastic yes. “Enthusiastic consent” means looking for the presence of a ‘yes’ rather than the absence of a ‘no.’ [It] can be expressed verbally or through nonverbal cues, such as positive body language like smiling, maintaining eye contact, and nodding. These cues alone do not necessarily represent consent, but they are additional details that may reflect consent. It is necessary, however, to still seek verbal confirmation. The important part of consent, enthusiastic or otherwise, is checking in with your partner regularly to make sure that they are still on the same page.”ii

Bottom line: Communicate! If someone isn’t mature enough to ask specific questions, discern nonverbal clues, and wait for a definitive answer—an enthusiastic yes—they aren’t mature enough to participate in any type of sexual activity.

Consent and Pornography

Unfortunately, pornography portrays mistreatment of (typically) women. The “plot” depicts a woman saying no but eventually enjoying the act. Her “partner” ignores her pleas to stop. But in the end, everyone is happy.

Preteens and teens don’t understand these videos are unrealistic. Some teens watch pornography for sex education and mimic what they see. Therefore, they do not learn consent, do not ask permission, and do not wait for an enthusiastic yes.

Talk About Consent

But we can change the conversation by talking with children, beginning at a young age, about consent. For example, we can help them politely say “no” when someone asks their permission. As they mature, we can explain that one reason to avoid pornography is that it depicts unrealistic expectations, and point out that no one asks for or gives permission in these videos.

Promote Respect

Explain the legal definition of consent so they don’t get into legal trouble. Additionally, cultivate an environment in which everyone in your household seeks permission and respects each other’s boundaries. Let them know that, in general, it’s okay to tell someone no. And when someone tells us no, that doesn’t mean they’re rejecting us. It’s not personal. Inside a healthy relationship, one in which there is mutual respect, everyone feels comfortable and safe saying no.

When is the last time you spoke with your preteen or teen about consent? Do they know the legal definition as well as the principle behind the law?

i https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent

ii Ibid.

We can’t do it alone!

Help us make sure that our youth are properly equipped to make healthy choices NOW so that they can go on to lead happy, successful lives later. Let’s change the face of the community today!

Show Support Today!

Comments for this post are closed.

Latest Posts